I Am Sorry (or How I Would Eplain Myself To Bridget's Mother)

It seems that I have taken part in something that I was unaware and had no intention to take part in. Indeed, thinking back on what was in the showcase last year, I have no doubt that Prof. Leeper was referring to my film "As Darkness Drowns" when commenting about the trend of victimizing women among a lot of male filmmakers. So I have nothing more to offer then my sincerest apologies for reinforcing and, in a away, encouraging that ongoing perspective in cinema.

If I can redeem myself in anyway, I will at least try to explain the thought process that went into making this piece...

It was our first assignment in Advanced Cinematography. It was simple enough; create a scene or multiple scenes where the lighting changes or moves at least twice in the scene. Me, like most filmmakers, wanted to do something unconventional. I not only did I want to have light change, but I wanted to dance with it as well. I wanted to try things I've never tried before. But here was the problem: I had no idea what story to revolve around. It is very tricky to have something you want to do with lighting and THEN try to write a story about it. Usually it is done the other way around. All I knew is that I wanted the story to take place near a pool so that I could experiment with "pool light" dancing on someone's face. I also wanted to try out the new underwater cameras our department had just got in...

So, I sat on this image of someone with pool light dancing around on their face with no story attached to it for about a good week and half. By that time I had about 3 days left to shoot the project if I wanted to get it done on time, and needed help AND FAST. So I ended up having lunch with 2 film profs whose opinion I highly respect. I told them about the image with someone by a pool and that I also wanted a shot underwater, which I think would be best attacked by showing someone being drowned. And my friend Bethany Edlund, a senior Theatre major, had seen and been impressed with some of the work I did the previous semester and had personally asked me if she could be in my next project. So naturally, the image of the person with pool light on her face and being drowned became the image of Bethany, since she had requested to be in my project. And then both of the respected profs helped me develop that into this sort of abstract kidnap story. I walked away from the meeting satisfied and ready to make a film!

I cranked out the script in a night. Got the locations needed to shoot. Shot the film in one crazy, hectic, and cold October evening with a splinter crew over the span of 6 hours at 3 various locations(With the exception of the underwater shoot, which was done a couple days later), and was able to get enough footage to make sense of it all. I brought the footage in. It looked beautiful. I edited it all together, compiling the music together to compliment the tone of the film. After all of that and some color correction i had a piece that was just over 2 minutes long. I then had it screened in-class where it was met with praise from both my peers and professor. I even went on to fest it in which it won an award for best of fest. Not once did I question the integrity of my story or the message I was sending. To me, it was just a "cool" lighting experiment I did...then comes Leeper.

I mean it when I say, that I have been wrestling with this film and myself ever since Leeper made his critique of it about 48hours ago. I had no idea that my film could unintentionally been promoting the male dominated, violent, pornographic, and victimizing views of women we see so prevalent in our media today. IT NEVER ONCE CROSSED MY MIND. Again, to me it was just a neat experiment in lighting, to which I needed not to be held accountable for. I mean there was no sex, no swearing, relatively minimal violence, and no real "message" I was trying to give, other than and open-ended, abstract film. But upon gaining this new perspective of my film, and even showing and asking Bridget what feelings it drew up in her, I have to admit, IT HAS LEFT ME FEELING ASHAMED AND GUILTY.

I was like a ignorant child with a shiny lightsaber (a real one, not that plastic crap) who thought flashing it around would be a mere spectacle that people and myself could enjoy, all the while not realizing that I had just pierced the hearts of some of the audience members. I thought all images that I deemed "acceptable" in my moral compass were mine to wield at will, and that there could be no repercussions for my slapping them up there on the screen. But what about the rape victim, or the molested child for that matter? What about the father who fears every night for his daughter walking home from work? What about those who have been abused and objectified by complete strangers, or even their friends? I am ashamed to admit that I never once gave a thought to these. And if it wasn't for Leeper's remark on Monday, I might have continued attack art, ignorant of that of their perspectives.

So how would I explain myself to Bridget's mother? All I can say is that I'm sorry for not realizing the power of the images I shoot, and that I promise never to forget for the rest of my life as an artist.

In closing, here is "As Darkness Drowns" for you to watch if you are curious to the sham I have made. I apologies ahead of time for any victimization any of you feel when viewing it. Again, I was an ignorant child.